Peer Pressure…

The very first thing you should do when kids are trying to talk you into doing something is think. Too many times, kids get into trouble by just going along with the crowd. Your generation is no different from any generation before you. There is something about the teenage years that make kids think they are invincible, that nothing can hurt them. And, to many teenagers, the worst four-letter word adults can say is “don’t.”

Here’s a list of suggestions that might help:

1. Think about what the group is asking you to do. Is it wrong? Is it illegal? Why are you tempted to go along? Is it status? Are you afraid to “lose face?” Are you too weak to stand up and say, “I think this is wrong”? Do you know these people well enough to trust them?
   
   If you have an uneasy feeling in your stomach, something is probably wrong. Use the skills of looking and listening. If a group of kids is talking about surrounding a carload of kids from another school in a parking lot, it’s probably not because they’re going to invite them to a picnic. Regardless of what they tell you, don’t act on impulse. Think about the real message behind their words.
   
   And think about your motivation. If you rely too much on the group for emotional support and acceptance, it’s likely that you will give in to peer pressure. If you’re always looking for approval from your friends and are afraid to stand up for yourself, it’s likely that you will be easily influenced by what they say.
   
   
2. Think about what could happen. It’s difficult to think about negative consequences when a friend is raving about how much fun you’re going to have. It’s also hard to put up with the sarcasm and put-down that saying “no” can trigger. Other kids can be relentless when they want to goad you into going along.
   
   That’s a good time to stop and think about what could happen. Ignore all the statements like, “Hey, everybody does it. What’s wrong with you?” or “There’s no way we will get caught.” Those aren’t good reasons to go along. Think of what could happen to you or your reputation. You have to make a promise to yourself to do not only what’s legally right, but also what’s morally right. Your conscience can be the biggest consequence of all. Stick to your values. If you know you’re not going to worry about what you did, say “no” right away. A few minutes or hours of “fun” can lead to countless day, even years, of trouble. Make a good decision and you’ll feel a lot better about yourself.
   
   
3. Decide beforehand what you’re going to do or say. You can sometimes predict when you might be pressured to do something. You know what’s going on in your school. You know who is doing what. And you know the kids you shouldn’t hang around with. Get out of situations in which you know you could be pressured.
   
   Other situations are not so predictable. They happen because somebody comes up with a spur-of-the-moment idea and you’re expected to give an immediate answer. Even then, you can have a valid reason for not going along. Think ahead about how you can respond so that you stay out of trouble. If you don’t have something in mind to say, you’re likely to give in. This is one time when it’s okay to think of yourself instead of others.
   
   
4. Think of your options. Basically, there are four things you can do.
   
   Say “yes.”
   Say “no.”
   Compromise.
   Delay.
   
   Say “yes” – This is without a doubt the easiest answer to give. But often it’s also the worst. If you haven’t taken the time to think things through, you could be making a big mistake.
   
   Say “no”. – On the other hand, this is the hardest answer to give, but one that may be the best for you. There are some decisions that you don’t even have to hesitate about. When your friends tell you there’s a keg party, or that they’re going to mess up some kids from another school, or that they’re going to do something that’s destructive, harmful, or illegal, then your answer should be automatic: “No” is the only right answer.
   
   When you decide that “no” is the best answer, the hard part is sticking with it. You will have to be assertive whenever you refuse to go along. Let your friends know you mean what you say. If you have a good reason, give it. Usually, a good reason is on that involves some type of responsibility! For example, “I have to be home on time.” “I promised Dad I’d mow the lawn.” “My family’s going out to eat tonight.” “My parents would ground me for a year if they found out.” Just because it doesn’t sound like fun to most of the group doesn’t mean it isn’t a good reason.
   
   And even if you give a good reason, it doesn’t mean that other kids will accept it right away. Some people will try to keep the pressure on. There are ways to turn them down without turning them off: You can thank them for asking you, tell them you appreciate their friendship, tell them you hope they have a good time, or empathize with whatever their problem is. But when you realize that a refusal is necessary, just say “no.” Stick with what you know is right – calmly, firmly, and finally.
   
   Compromise – When someone suggests doing something you’re concerned about, you might be able to come up with an option that isn’t as risky. You could say, for example, “Why don’t we go see a movie instead?” Compromise is a “best-of-both-worlds” situation. You can still be with the group, but not join a harmful activity. It doesn’t always work, but it’s worth a try. Maybe you can help your friends look at situations more carefully.
   
   Compromise requires the ability to think through and solve problems. Practice your ability to analyze problems and come up with reasonable alternatives.
   
   Delay – Maybe you can wait until you see what unfolds. Saying things like, “I might be there later,” or “I’ll catch up with you in a little while,” gives you a chance to sort through the others’ real intentions and helps you think more clearly about what you’ve been asked to do.
   
   Remember: You always have options. You shouldn’t be forced to do anything that is illegal, immoral, or harmful to others in order to gain acceptance or respect. “No” is sometimes the only right answer, and it should jump out of your mouth. Other decisions require some thought. That’s when you should give yourself time to think. A quick decision may be something you will regret later. Think things through before you make a decision, and you’re more likely to make a good one.
   
   If you haven’t already faced the lure of another teenager wanting you to do something “exciting” – which usually means dangerous, harmful, or illegal – you probably will. Kids will try to get you to do something you shouldn’t. And they will be very convincing. You may think you’re not strong enough to resist their pressure. But you can be as strong as you want to be.
   
   
5. Stick to your values and morals. Don’t compromise the good things you believe in. More important, let other people know exactly what they are. There will be times when you will be tempted to do something wrong. You might think it’s worth the risk because doing it can provide immediate pleasure or popularity. But you need to think about what will happen over time. Not only are there external consequences, like getting in trouble at school, at home, or with the police, but there are internal consequences as well. In other words, there are some things you shouldn’t do just because they’re wrong. If you give in, you have to live with the guilt or shame of having done something you shouldn’t have.
   
   When kids try to change the good things you believe in, you have to stand up for yourself. Hold on to the values and morals your family has passed on to you. Keep your church’s values and morals and your commitment to God. Don’t let anybody sweet-talk or pressure you out of them.
   
   
6. Talk with close friends. Express your feelings to your friends. Tell them how you wanted to give in to the pressure and how hard it was to resist. They can help. They probably have been in similar situations. Did they do the right thing? What did they learn from their experience?
   
   
7. Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable, something is probably wrong. Tell whomever your with to cool it for awhile until you can figure out what you’re feeling. Stick to the boundaries you have set for yourself.
   
   
8. Be assertive. Learn how to express your ideas and feeling without blowing up or giving in. If you are in a situation that could be harmful to you, learn how to stand you ground firmly and convincingly. Learn how to get out of negative situations (or avoid them altogether). Sometimes the answer isn’t always “yes” or “no.” It might be “maybe later,” “Let me think about it,” or “I’ll wait and see.”
   
   
9. Talk to your mom or dad. Let them know what’s going on in your life. Tell them the good things that happened or the problems you encountered. Some teens are afraid of what their parents’ reactions might be. And sometimes there are good reasons why they feel that way. But most parents want to know where you went and what you did because they really care.
   
   If you have trouble talking calmly to your parents, now is the time to learn how. Learn to talk in a mature and unemotional way. Don’t allow yourself to get upset when they ask questions or give you some advice. Keep your cool. That’s the only mature way to proceed.
   
   Now could be the time to change some things in their behavior, too. If they get upset when you tell them the truth, you have to train them to stay calm. Yes, that’s right. It can be done. Reason with them. Set an example for them. It may not work the first time, so don’t expect too much right away. But you have the power and ability to change their behavior and create a new adult relationship with them. This takes effort on your part, but it can be wonderful when it happens!
   Tell them you want them to see into your world but do not what them to jump in and solve all of your problems. Let them know you will accept their advice and counsel, but you want to handle problems on your own. Assure them that if things get too tough, or if you can’t handle a problem, you will come to them for help.
   
   You may find that your parents understand and are able to help more than you think. Sharing your world with your parents can help you overcome some of the obstacles. Parents face peer pressure, too. And they have made mistakes. Their experiences can help you learn how to deal with the pressures you face.
   
   
10. Talk to a trusted adult. Maybe you don’t think you know an adult you can trust. Well, they’re out there. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There has to be an aunt or uncle, grandparent, cousin, counselor, teacher, coach, or someone else with whom you can build a trusting relationship. There are times when you may feel powerless and when you just want some outside advice. An adult may come up with solutions you didn’t consider.

You should not be forced to do something you know is wrong. There will be conflict and confusion at times. Friends (or people you thought were friends) may put more pressure on you later, say sarcastic or nasty things, or try to make you feel out of it. Figure out how you’re going to respond to these people and their reasoning, and then follow through. True friends will understand.

The Boys Town National Hotline is there for you 24/7…1-800-448-3000.

Please stop by each month for new tips.

What’s Right for Me? Making Good Choices in Relationships, Ron Herron & Val J. Peter, Boys Town Press, 1998